Rapture Etiquette
May 18th, 2011 § 4 Comments
The end of the world is nigh and sadly there is very little guidance out there for those of us that won’t be invited to participate. That doesn’t mean we can throw all of our manners out the window. We still need to act civil. So I thought I would compile a list of things you can do to make sure that this Rapture is an enjoyable one.
First — what to do for the people that do get to go? I would treat this like your regular everyday going away party. Except don’t bother to splurge on a cake or anything too nice. Remember: they’re going to have a decidedly better life than you from now on. A card signed by everyone and maybe some cucumber sandwiches is really all that is required. Also, if you’ve been eying anything that they own that you want (like those wicked coloured whiteboard markers) don’t be shy in dropping some subtle hints. Try “You won’t be needing those where you’re going!” Or “Are there whiteboards at Jesus’ house?”
What to do about people who thought they were going, but turns out they were mistaken? This is delicate. For these people, it’s like being uninvited to the swingingest sweet 16th bash of the year because they use words like “swingingest.” In this situation, keep it simple. A pat on the back and a “there’s always next time” is sufficient. Also avoid encouraging them to talk about why. It will inevitably be hurtful to you. (Trust me, they’ll start sentences with “no offence but…” and then follow it up with some generalization about you that probably isn’t accurate like “I get why you didn’t go, you like to eat puppies.”)
And for the rest of us, who knew all along we’d still be done here on earth? Well, now we can play Settlers of Catan in peace while watching our fave episodes of TNG. So just do lots of that.
So there you have it. A few ideas to get you through the Rapture this weekend. If you have any other recommendations please share!
What about the clothes and shoes they leave behind? Can we wear those? That reminds me, what is the etiquette for those naked people flying up into the clouds? Will there be clothes in heaven?
I can’t say what the etiquette is in heaven. If I knew that, I’d probably be invited. As for the left behind clothing, you can take it, but I wouldn’t. Right before a person is raptured they omit a skunk-like smell. Not very pleasant. That’s probably the worst part about the Rapture … Everything will smell skunky for a time.
Dear Rebecca,
I’m hoping you can give me some advice. You see, I’m pretty sure my in-laws aren’t going to be raptured this weekend. But, when I see them on Monday, I feel like I should feign some sort of surprise to see them still here. After all, I don’t want them to know that I assumed they wouldn’t go. On the other hand I don’t want it to seem artificial, so I’m you can give me some advice on the appropriate greeting for this situation?
Signed,
Worried in Waterloo
WiW,
Great question! I’m sure there are a lot of people wondering this. In these situations I would focus on the positive and ignore the fact that they didn’t get to go to heaven. Try something like “I feel so fortunate to share these moments with you.” It sory of sweeps the real issue under the rug and hopefully you won’t have to address it ever again and you can get back to Catan and TNG. Also, the same rule applies about not engaging in the “why”.